We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
