I've blown a few things in my day
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
