you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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