dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
