she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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