Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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