Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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