Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
