Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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