Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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