You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
