so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
