At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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