when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
