i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
