I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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