just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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