You just made me feel so damn special
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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