ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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