i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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