God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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