you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
