What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
