can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
