we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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