I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
