i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
