I wish I could teleport
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
