Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
