Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
