I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I will be naked everywhere
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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