Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
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