I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
