I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
