so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
