When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
