i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
