I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
