He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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