I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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