I think I died a long time ago.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
