you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
