I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
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