In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i would punch a child for taco bell
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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