your room smells of hookers.
And success
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
