i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
