Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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