dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
