and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
