Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
