So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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