Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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