We're facebook friends in real life
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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