WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Randomize
