ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
