She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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