You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
