I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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