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I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
