you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
