okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
