I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize