My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
