I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
it's like heaven, but drunker
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
