is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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