i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
