dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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