first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
